Walking through the city, my lungs filled with a mixture of cat food and alcohol. Indeed not the best smell in the world but one distinct of many. The people roaming the area came from all types of economic binds. However the one I often see involves the lowest of low. The broken. The ones pushed aside. I see it in their eyes. The pain. The struggle. The unknown. 

The mixture of individuals on here is so prominent. The mother carrying the groceries, exhausted but still pushing to give her children a life better than the one she has endured. The ones that reek of alcohol with their head down. Contemplating what to do, wondering why their heart is still beating. The ones that enjoy the high because it's the only sense of relief they can endure. 

Their stare is one the compares to no other. Each of them have the same look. The look that pierces your soul. Each story is different but that look, man that look, is all but the same. 

She longs to be different, 

Because her greatest fear is that she could be her. 

Flesh and blood that created her and brought her to life is the same thing that has haunted her. 

How can one destroy such innocence? 

Has the medication and lust eaten her heart away? 

She sits and ponders what she means to her. 

Numbness has been replaced with her presence. 

A blockade is put up to push through the days. 

But it's when she stops and thinks, 

The desensitization creeps in. 

She's supposed to feel hatred and infuriation, 

 Something 

But she doesn't. 

 She doesn't feel.

 Everything is stagnate. 

The sadness makes its way, 

Only because she feels bad for not feeling at all.

A Boring Update

Good afternoon, reader. I have fantastic news! So you know how I'm always like "I'll write more to you reader, don't you worry" and then never do?Well a brilliant idea has come to mind. I got the blogger app on my phone! I know, I know. Genius, right? So this time, if I do not write when I say I am going to write, you may beat me up if you so desire. So, lets grab a cup of joe and tell me about your life, reader. Whats new? Hopefully things are going well with you and nothing too drastic has happened that I have missed out on. It's kind of weird that I address YOU when I don't even know who YOU are, so in turn this just makes me look like a psycho, talking to myself and what not. I can be very egotistical and talk about myself if you would like. Yeah? (insert your response which is hopefully a yes, if other answer exists, then just exit out of this blog) So my life. I've continued becoming an exercise nut and cut to a weight that I'm happy and satisfied with. 109lbs. Now I'd like to gain muscle, but I don't really know what I want to build to. Gaining weight scares me. I know it's for a purpose that would allow me to look even better but seeing that number go up on my scale is terrifying to me. If all goes as planned, I'm hoping to gain about five to ten pounds of muscle. Oh gosh. I don't like the sound of that. Today I started "bulking". Meaning I'm intaking a large amount of protein and still eating healthy but just adding excess protein. I started off my day with a protein shake, went to work for four and a half hours, went to chapel, got a Cliff bar which has a 10g of protein in it, went to class ate another Cliff bar and drank another protein shake after that class. Then I went to another class and now here I am, blogging to you. Live from the library. I should be working on homework but I've tuned that out for Monday. You see, Monday is my cheat day. And I think I have begun to apply that to schooling as well. What else has happened besides my new body? Just school basically has taken over my life. When I'm not sitting in class and doing homework, I'm at work and when I'm not at work, I'm working out and when I'm not working out, I'm most likely sleeping. That's basically my life. Oh yeah and I eat in that schedule as well. I did the color run last weekend. It was honestly the greatest time of my life. Well, not the greatest, but definitely one for the record books. It has forever been on my bucket list since I heard about it (whenever that was). Crossing that finish line was one of the best feelings though and then after you finish the color run, you get a packet of color, a headband, a protein bar and a bottle of water. Once you receive that, you go to this huge "rave" of fitness people and throw color at the color countdown and bond with strangers. It was so fun and if you have not done it, I recommend it. There were children running it, animals, great grandparents and even people in wheelchairs. So I don't think you have an excuse reader. Other than that, yeah nothing real lively and exciting has been happening. It's just more things that focus on fitness that have been altering the way I live. On a side note,I really can't wait to eat. My friends get out of class in 45 minutes and I swear the time has not changed for the past ten minutes. I haven't eaten anything solid as a meal today, outside of the cliff bars. I think I'm going to start doing something new for this blog. Sometimes I will update it, like I did in this one, and other times I'll just write randomly so don't expect these blogs to go in order any longer cause I'm changing it up on you, reader. In all seriousness though, throw some topics out there for me to write about. There's a little comment box below and I'd love to hear from you, mainly because I don't really know you yet you know me. A lot about me, actually. I hope your 2014 year is kicking off to a great start. We're already in February. Can you believe that?! Time does not slow down for anybody. I have an idea of my next entry for you, reader. So expect to hear from me again either tonight or tomorrow. But most likely tonight because blogging is by far more satisfying than homework will ever be. Until then.. xo,Kayla

Sympathizing a Comparison

Hello reader, I'm just going to plummet right into my thoughts for the day. My university is encompassed around a run down area of the city. Lawns are not maintained properly, the houses are deteriorating and crime occurs more frequently than not. My school always provides opportunities for us young adults to improve and give back to this rickety community. As I got off of work today, I saw a young girl who was probably around the age of 8 or 9, holding her what I would assume to be her brother's hand, who was around the age of 4. This picture was very concerning to me. Although this area is in fact run down, I did not understand how one individual at the age of 8 could be taking care of her brother and walking through this neighborhood. Once I started to feel sympathy, I realized that that was how I was when I was around that young child's age. I was taking care of my brother and watching out for him because of my unfit biological mother. However, I don't feel sympathy for myself. It seemed normal at the time but when looking at it from an outside perspective, I wish that I could do something. I don't think that a child should be taking care of another child. It's bothersome. I do not really understand why I felt the need to blog this but I did. Maybe it's to get back into this whole blogging thing. Other than that, I do hope that you are doing splendid, reader. I've been stressed recently with school and work and financial issues. But I know everything is going to work out in the end. I'm learning to look on the positive side of things because I noticed lately that the negative aspect of things is what I tend to lean towards. Not only am I beginning to be more positive, but I'm learning to not be oversensitive. It is a trial and error type process but I am really trying. :) I hope you are slowly winding down the year of 2013 with little to no stress. I will get back to you, reader, with many more thoughts that run through my mind if you would like. God bless. xo, Kayla

Human Touch

Hello Reader. I hope you are still around. I've been meaning to get back into this whole blogging thing again but my schedule has been beyond crazy and when I get down time, all my conscious state of mind wants to do is be a lazy pile of..(pause to thinking of something to fill in this sentence besides poop). Just a quick catch up before I dive into my thoughts: my boyfriend Jeff is in Oklahoma for baseball. I completed summer school and am now a junior(credit wise) for college. I got a tattoo. I still don't own a cat. I am a gym nut. That should cover it for now. If there are any outrageous moments where you are completely confused, I'm sure I'll somehow guide you through it. Time for thoughts. The human touch is such a precious thing that I think many individuals take for granted, including myself. I never thought the human touch could hold such a significance until recently. It's such an involuntary action that doesn't require a lot of thought. It has been noted that the human touch lessens pain and it is a natural part of human development and communication. The simple touch of another individual creates a bond. It could be a simple bond from acquaintances, a loving bond between friends or a deep and complex bond between partners. Many people starve themselves from human touch and it has been noted to cause breakdowns in the brain and emotional sensory inputs. Lately I've found myself craving human touch. The longing of a kiss, the way my heart beats faster when our fingers intertwined, the caressing of his hand on the small of my back. All of those things have been taken from me or maybe I just didn't treasure those acts of love until it was too late. With losing daily human touch, I have become oversensitive. I do not greatly appreciate this quality I have adapted but it has been infused to my, now, daily living. Females are more sensitive than most males, obviously, but being 1,150 miles away from one that you cherish makes it even harder. Often times I just feel like a burden and shut myself down. Sometimes I forget how to properly vent and then get trapped in my own thoughts. (I sound like a crazy person.) As of now, I don't know how to fix the problem but all I know is that I'm sensitive. Little things that wouldn't bother most individuals, I find, tend to bother me. Maybe human touch isn't to blame, maybe I just have always been a crazy oversensitive person. Either way, I cannot stand it but at the same time, I want it known that I'm upset or hurt or sad or whatever the emotion is. Does that make sense? Who knows. Maybe it really doesn't. I'm going to continue to blog because I need a venting outlet again, reader. I don't know if you're still around to listen to me, it's been a while. I must get back to a dreaded essay. Goodnight.

Gym Comparisons

Hey reader.
I seem to never blog anymore. I feel like I've lost you. Like my words no longer satisfy your eyes.

So, an incident happened about 2 and a half weeks ago that almost cost me my whole college career. It's crazy. I mean.. I was innocent in the situation and so were a few others but the guilty person got off the hook and somehow turned it around. Isn't it funny how the people that deserve rain receive the most sunshine? Maybe that's not always true in every scenario but I was mind boggled when I realized the person that was guilty was being looked at as innocent. Now I'm in a big financial struggle. Everything is just piling up on me. I don't get as many hours at work anymore which means less income which means a tighter fight to pay all these bills that just won't stop.

I just got back from the gym. I did Zumba for an hour, then did weights, abs and finally cardio. The whole time I was on the treadmill, I was focused on the two buttons. The start button and the stop button. I tend to only run for 10 minutes (I know, it's pathetic) and then walk for five minutes and then run for 10 and so on; however, this time at the gym, I just ran for thirty minutes. I didn't even know I was running for that long until someone gave me a hug while I was running and said "Damn, working hard I see." I snapped out of this weird state I was in and looked at the time which read 30 minutes and 28 seconds. I had ran 7 and a half miles and had burned a numerous amount of calories. I sat there, not in awe, but in a state of deep thought. I realized how easy it can be to just hit the STOP button and not have to run any longer. To end the process of running. It's simple. If things get to difficult and you don't want to run anymore, the stop button is always there but you have the choice to keep running or to just stop. I guess I related it to my current situation. Lately, I've felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. I've wanted to just hit the stop button on life and not do it anymore. It's an easy task just like the treadmill. If I get tired, I can just cheat myself and stop or I can sit there and push through it. I noticed another thing. The speed and the incline. Many people, when using the treadmill, do one of two things: have the incline pretty high up and tread through it or even run while others have a high speed and no incline whatsoever. This also relates. Many times people are speeding through life and taking the easy way out of things and once situations get hard, like turning the incline up to 9 and attempting to run it, they give up and hit STOP. This time at the gym, when I ran for 30 minutes, I had my incline at 6 and my speed at 5.6, which may or may not seem difficult for you and usually it's very difficult for me, but today, not so much. But the weird thing is, after you push through all that hard work on the treadmill, you're proud of yourself. You compliment yourself on how you did it, whether you ran for 30 minutes or 5 minutes. You feel like you made a difference. Like you pushed yourself further than previous times.

I've had a bad past few days and I'm still trying to throw on a smile through it all but sometimes once you cover up your hurt for so long, it starts to build up and today I guess I released it out at the gym because I felt like a new person as I took my first steps out into the icy air from the gym. It's weird how while I was working out, I was thinking about all of this. I was in a weird state of mind the whole time at the gym this evening. People would talk to me and it's like I had no idea what they were saying but somehow I responded. Does that make sense, reader? If not, I apologize. I'm just babbling.

I hope things are good with you, reader, because quite frankly, I miss talking to you. Or typing to you I suppose.

God Bless.
xo,
Kayla

Resolution

Hey reader.
New Years resolutions. I feel like everyone has the same ones every year.
Typical annoying examples are as followed:
"New Year, New Me!"
or the ever famous,
"My new years resolution is to lose weight and go to the gym. Yaaaaaaaaaa!"
I wish people would really look within themselves and figure out a resolution that could really change them or that actually impacted their lives. Change is scary but it is always a neccesity in this life we live. Things are always transforming. Regardless of how skinny you are or how perfect your "new you" is, there is always room for improvement. Every year, you should be able to reflect on your life and pinpoint something that you know you can change about yourself.
With all that said, my new year's resolution is to be a more positive person. Now, that sound pretty typical for resolutions, right? However, it's different for me. If you knew me well, or if you read most of my blogs, you would know that my attitude is never really the greatest. If you can't tell through my blogs, you will definitely notice if you ever get to know me on a personal level. I'm always really down on myself. Complaining about my weight, or how my hair looks, the way I wear my make-up, just everything about myself I can't stand.. or couldn't stand. But this year is different for me. This year, I have made it a goal to be more positive. Not only with just me but with others too. I need to give people a chance instead of just judging them without really knowing them. When someone really bugs me, I need to learn to not let it get to me because everybody is human and nobody is perfect. So far I have started my positivity with more positive thoughts when I get up in the morning. I look at myself and attempt to slowly disregard the negative comments that enter my head. I remind myself that God made me exactly the way that He intended. That's honestly my saving grace in not completely demolishing how I look. Another thing I'm doing is.. the fact that I'm very unhappy about my weight. I started working out at an actual gym in November. I'm still doing that and go every single day. (....in the summer time, I got enough workout in with surfing and boogie boarding.) So I know that the gym is pretty typical like I stated in the new years resolutions but I'm really committed to it. The next thing that I'm doing is having more patience. That controls my positive attitude, honestly. Without patience, I snap at people right away and don't give them a chance to explain their side nor do I ever really want to hear it. But now.. I'm taking my time. Hearing their side, as well as remembering that nobody is perfect and I mess up just like they do.
So far it's been pretty successful and I plan on continuing this marathon of positivity that has been ever present in my attitude lately. I like being positive.
I still battle with my depression, hard at times. But.. with the gym every day and my new and improved attitude, I noticed a change. Yeah, I still have to take Prozac but.. I see improvement and that's all I need. It can't happen overnight.
So, what's your new years resolution, reader? Did you make one? Leave me a comment because I'm really interested in what yours is. :)
Have a great Thursday night. It's almost the weekend!
God Bless.
xo, Kayla