A Secret Now Revealed

But the Lord is with me as a dread warrior;
therefore my persecutors will stumble;
they will not overcome me.
They will be greatly shamed,
for they will not succeed.
Their eternal dishonor
will never be forgotten.

-Jeremiah 20:11

That verse means so much to me. It can relate to any difficult time you go through. It's a verse I read anytime life is taking it's toll on me. There's a story for me behind that verse. I would tell you about it, but it's real personal. Sorry :/ I suppose it's just me being insecure and also a tad skeptic of sharing all of this on a public site. Maybe one day I will share the story with you, reader.
....Maybe I should tell you the story...? I'm now debating if I should. Ehhhh. Ahhhh. Mmmmm. I don't know.. It brings tears to my eyes. I'm going to do it. I'm not scared. (Maybe just a tad, but shhh.. don't tell.)
Just a warning, this is going to be a LONG-ish blog. Hope you're in a comfortable spot. If not, I suggest you get comfortable :)
Here it goes:

I remember the day like it was yesterday. May 9th. A Sunday. I love Sundays. But not this one. Things were just not going my way for a good amount of time. I was going through a lot at the time. Problems starting back to January that kept spiraling. From the moment I woke up the day was not good. It was a spiral effect of things that were going wrong. And then having this bad day just added onto it. I was not in a Godly mood for a Sunday. I had lost all faith in God. He wasn't helping me. He wasn't there. He didn't care about me. He enjoyed watching me suffer. And I was so done with Him at the time.

The next day... (sighing).. May 10th. I planned it on this very Monday. I didn't talk to anyone that day. No close friends. Nothing. I went through my day without a sound. I tried blending into the pale walls our school consists of. (I guess that's not really at all possible considering I'm "tan".) I eventually talked to one person when I got home from school but barely. Sam. He's a very great friend of mine. I talked about him once before in a previous blog. Sam talked while I responded as minimal as possible. He knew something was up. I stopped talking to him once he got suspicious. I ignored texts. I ignored phone calls. Eventually having me shut off my phone.

Then the night fell. (Man, I'm getting chills and my heart is beating fast as my fingers type these words.) I started that night off cutting. I'm not a "cutter". I've only done it twice and after May 10th.. I have never nor will I ever do that again. That night being the worst, obviously. After that was over.. I went to my room. I was finishing all my plans. As the time finally starting flying... 11.25pm rolled around. That is when I got a piece of paper out. I wrote. A lot. To Sam and only him. Exactly an hour before my plan would finally take action. I wrote and wrote. Tears were falling. My wrists weren't in great shape. I was shaking uncontrollably. My stomach was in knots. Everything hurt. But that didn't stop me. I finally finished all my writing around 12.15am. It was getting closer to the time.. way close. My heart beat a thousand miles a minute. As the time started ticking away, I knew.. it was time. I was ready to leave. I didn't want to stay any longer. It was 12.23am. 120 seconds until I could feel as though I would be in a weird sense "free".

I tripped. It scared me. But what did I trip over...? Nothing more than.. My Bible which was opened up to a verse. The one you recently saw above, but I'll restate it.

But the Lord is with me as a dread warrior;
therefore my persecutors will stumble;
they will not overcome me.
They will be greatly shamed,
for they will not succeed.
Their eternal dishonor
will never be forgotten.

-Jeremiah 20:11

I sat there and cried. I cried for a long time. A very long time. I didn't get any sleep that night. And I had school the next morning. After I read that verse... something changed in me. Almost as if everything I had doubted had now been restored. I can't put it into earthly words. I may sound cliche but it's the honest truth. Since that day.. I have cherished God with all my heart. I thought my faith used to be strong but now.. Now, it's been at an all time high. I still have my nights where I get frustrated with the Lord but I've been grateful to never experience a night like that ever. And I honestly pray all the time that I never hit the rock bottom that I felt then. God is the most amazing person in the world. And you know what.. I honestly don't mind if I'm single for the rest of my life. Why you ask...? I have four guys who will ALWAYS love me. God, Jesus, my father and my brother. And I've realized that's all I need.

So, that's my story. I'm not really sure how to end this. But that's it. My heart is still beating extremely fast given the fact that only two people know about this story. Thinking of me differently is hopefully not a current thought in your mind.
Thank you for reading, wonderful reader.
God Bless.
xo, Kayla