Think..

"A golden moment's come to pass, and it made a swift goodbye. Waved it's hand from left to right, saying bye, farewell, goodnight. But it left me brave and bold like the knights of ages past, leaving courage like the dawn leaves dew upon the grass."

Today, in a class of mine, there were a group of people talking about how if they were to commit suicide they would go out with a bang and shoot up a school or something. Then there were jokes being made about suicide and all I could do was gaze at them.. and somehow just hold back my thoughts. I wanted to yell at them. Then.. there was a kid today who sat next to me and pretended to act "emo" by getting a pencil and lightly drawing on his arm like there were cuts on it. He then proceeded to make a joke about it and was like.. "wow, this is what I would look like if I was an emo freak."

I somehow held back my tears when these comments were said. I immediately thought of myself and Lyndsey and another friend of mine. Depression just isn't something that people should be making jokes about. Maybe they didn't mean any harm about it.. but it's just the matter of the principal. I don't think that's something to publicly joke about. Maybe I just overreact too much? Maybe I just am an oversensitive person? I don't really know how to even describe myself. All I know is I deal with much anxiety. I get worried over little things and I honestly can't help it. I can't change who I am. People insist others calm down when they have all this anxiety in them. But that tends to sometimes make people worse..

I don't know if I'm even making sense. I'm probably not. I never seem to lately.
My head is pulsing. I've been having the worst headaches ever lately. It's getting really old. But so are these wicked, awesome stomach pains I've had for 10 months located below my sternum. I have to go to a gastric intestine doctor.. urrr.. stomach doctor basically. On Wednesday.. I'm going to be admitted at the hospital at 7.45 am. Then get an ultra-sound done on my gallbladder. I'm not sure how long that will take. Anyways, then in April.. I get to go to the lovely(sense the sarcasm?) OR and get a scope put in me to figure out what is wrong. I'm really nervous and scared despite what others have told me. I told you... I worry too much. I just.. can't stand hospitals. I can't stand anything about them. The way their main color is a pale white, the way it smells or the fact that there are millions of hand sanitizers everywhere throughout the huge building(s). Then these doctors try to be all cheery and positive. Yeah.. no. But at the same time.. I find it strange that people are getting helped there.. yet also passing away, getting told bad news.. it just puts me in a trance. .
God Bless.
xo, Kayla