Session 1: The Care and Ownership of Boobs
(A subject important to our study of the male humanoid animal because the boobs, if properly deployed, are like giant boy magnets attached to your chest.
Or smallish boy magnets.
Or medium.
Depending on your endowment.
But boy magnets. That is the point.
They are magnets, we say, magnets!)
Or smallish boy magnets.
Or medium.
Depending on your endowment.
But boy magnets. That is the point.
They are magnets, we say, magnets!)
1. If you jiggle, wear a bra. This means you. (Yes, you.) It is not anti-feminist, girls. It is more comfy and keeps the boobs from getting floppy.
2. No matter how puny your frontal equipment, don't wear the kind with the giant pads inside. If a guy squeezes them, he will wonder why they feel like Nerf balls instead of boobs. And if you forget and wear a normal bra one day, everyone will then speculate on the strange expanding and contracting nature of your boobage.
3. A helpful hint: For optimal shape, go in the bathroom stall and hike them up inside the bra.
4. Do not perform the above maneuver in public, no matter how urgent you think it is.
5. Do not go topless in anyone's hot tub. Remember how _______ had to press her chest against the side of the _______'s tub for forty five minutes when _______ and his friends came home? Let that be a lesson for you. (Yes, you.)
6. Do not sunbathe topless either, unless you're completely ready to have sunburnt boobs whose skin will never be the same again. (Reference: _______, even though she swears she used sunblock) or unless you want to be yelled at by your mother for exposing yourself to the neighbors. (Reference: _______, even though really, no one saw and the neighbors were away on vacation.)
2. No matter how puny your frontal equipment, don't wear the kind with the giant pads inside. If a guy squeezes them, he will wonder why they feel like Nerf balls instead of boobs. And if you forget and wear a normal bra one day, everyone will then speculate on the strange expanding and contracting nature of your boobage.
3. A helpful hint: For optimal shape, go in the bathroom stall and hike them up inside the bra.
4. Do not perform the above maneuver in public, no matter how urgent you think it is.
5. Do not go topless in anyone's hot tub. Remember how _______ had to press her chest against the side of the _______'s tub for forty five minutes when _______ and his friends came home? Let that be a lesson for you. (Yes, you.)
6. Do not sunbathe topless either, unless you're completely ready to have sunburnt boobs whose skin will never be the same again. (Reference: _______, even though she swears she used sunblock) or unless you want to be yelled at by your mother for exposing yourself to the neighbors. (Reference: _______, even though really, no one saw and the neighbors were away on vacation.)
God bless.
xo, Kayla
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