Sympathizing a Comparison

Hello reader, I'm just going to plummet right into my thoughts for the day. My university is encompassed around a run down area of the city. Lawns are not maintained properly, the houses are deteriorating and crime occurs more frequently than not. My school always provides opportunities for us young adults to improve and give back to this rickety community. As I got off of work today, I saw a young girl who was probably around the age of 8 or 9, holding her what I would assume to be her brother's hand, who was around the age of 4. This picture was very concerning to me. Although this area is in fact run down, I did not understand how one individual at the age of 8 could be taking care of her brother and walking through this neighborhood. Once I started to feel sympathy, I realized that that was how I was when I was around that young child's age. I was taking care of my brother and watching out for him because of my unfit biological mother. However, I don't feel sympathy for myself. It seemed normal at the time but when looking at it from an outside perspective, I wish that I could do something. I don't think that a child should be taking care of another child. It's bothersome. I do not really understand why I felt the need to blog this but I did. Maybe it's to get back into this whole blogging thing. Other than that, I do hope that you are doing splendid, reader. I've been stressed recently with school and work and financial issues. But I know everything is going to work out in the end. I'm learning to look on the positive side of things because I noticed lately that the negative aspect of things is what I tend to lean towards. Not only am I beginning to be more positive, but I'm learning to not be oversensitive. It is a trial and error type process but I am really trying. :) I hope you are slowly winding down the year of 2013 with little to no stress. I will get back to you, reader, with many more thoughts that run through my mind if you would like. God bless. xo, Kayla

Human Touch

Hello Reader. I hope you are still around. I've been meaning to get back into this whole blogging thing again but my schedule has been beyond crazy and when I get down time, all my conscious state of mind wants to do is be a lazy pile of..(pause to thinking of something to fill in this sentence besides poop). Just a quick catch up before I dive into my thoughts: my boyfriend Jeff is in Oklahoma for baseball. I completed summer school and am now a junior(credit wise) for college. I got a tattoo. I still don't own a cat. I am a gym nut. That should cover it for now. If there are any outrageous moments where you are completely confused, I'm sure I'll somehow guide you through it. Time for thoughts. The human touch is such a precious thing that I think many individuals take for granted, including myself. I never thought the human touch could hold such a significance until recently. It's such an involuntary action that doesn't require a lot of thought. It has been noted that the human touch lessens pain and it is a natural part of human development and communication. The simple touch of another individual creates a bond. It could be a simple bond from acquaintances, a loving bond between friends or a deep and complex bond between partners. Many people starve themselves from human touch and it has been noted to cause breakdowns in the brain and emotional sensory inputs. Lately I've found myself craving human touch. The longing of a kiss, the way my heart beats faster when our fingers intertwined, the caressing of his hand on the small of my back. All of those things have been taken from me or maybe I just didn't treasure those acts of love until it was too late. With losing daily human touch, I have become oversensitive. I do not greatly appreciate this quality I have adapted but it has been infused to my, now, daily living. Females are more sensitive than most males, obviously, but being 1,150 miles away from one that you cherish makes it even harder. Often times I just feel like a burden and shut myself down. Sometimes I forget how to properly vent and then get trapped in my own thoughts. (I sound like a crazy person.) As of now, I don't know how to fix the problem but all I know is that I'm sensitive. Little things that wouldn't bother most individuals, I find, tend to bother me. Maybe human touch isn't to blame, maybe I just have always been a crazy oversensitive person. Either way, I cannot stand it but at the same time, I want it known that I'm upset or hurt or sad or whatever the emotion is. Does that make sense? Who knows. Maybe it really doesn't. I'm going to continue to blog because I need a venting outlet again, reader. I don't know if you're still around to listen to me, it's been a while. I must get back to a dreaded essay. Goodnight.

Gym Comparisons

Hey reader.
I seem to never blog anymore. I feel like I've lost you. Like my words no longer satisfy your eyes.

So, an incident happened about 2 and a half weeks ago that almost cost me my whole college career. It's crazy. I mean.. I was innocent in the situation and so were a few others but the guilty person got off the hook and somehow turned it around. Isn't it funny how the people that deserve rain receive the most sunshine? Maybe that's not always true in every scenario but I was mind boggled when I realized the person that was guilty was being looked at as innocent. Now I'm in a big financial struggle. Everything is just piling up on me. I don't get as many hours at work anymore which means less income which means a tighter fight to pay all these bills that just won't stop.

I just got back from the gym. I did Zumba for an hour, then did weights, abs and finally cardio. The whole time I was on the treadmill, I was focused on the two buttons. The start button and the stop button. I tend to only run for 10 minutes (I know, it's pathetic) and then walk for five minutes and then run for 10 and so on; however, this time at the gym, I just ran for thirty minutes. I didn't even know I was running for that long until someone gave me a hug while I was running and said "Damn, working hard I see." I snapped out of this weird state I was in and looked at the time which read 30 minutes and 28 seconds. I had ran 7 and a half miles and had burned a numerous amount of calories. I sat there, not in awe, but in a state of deep thought. I realized how easy it can be to just hit the STOP button and not have to run any longer. To end the process of running. It's simple. If things get to difficult and you don't want to run anymore, the stop button is always there but you have the choice to keep running or to just stop. I guess I related it to my current situation. Lately, I've felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. I've wanted to just hit the stop button on life and not do it anymore. It's an easy task just like the treadmill. If I get tired, I can just cheat myself and stop or I can sit there and push through it. I noticed another thing. The speed and the incline. Many people, when using the treadmill, do one of two things: have the incline pretty high up and tread through it or even run while others have a high speed and no incline whatsoever. This also relates. Many times people are speeding through life and taking the easy way out of things and once situations get hard, like turning the incline up to 9 and attempting to run it, they give up and hit STOP. This time at the gym, when I ran for 30 minutes, I had my incline at 6 and my speed at 5.6, which may or may not seem difficult for you and usually it's very difficult for me, but today, not so much. But the weird thing is, after you push through all that hard work on the treadmill, you're proud of yourself. You compliment yourself on how you did it, whether you ran for 30 minutes or 5 minutes. You feel like you made a difference. Like you pushed yourself further than previous times.

I've had a bad past few days and I'm still trying to throw on a smile through it all but sometimes once you cover up your hurt for so long, it starts to build up and today I guess I released it out at the gym because I felt like a new person as I took my first steps out into the icy air from the gym. It's weird how while I was working out, I was thinking about all of this. I was in a weird state of mind the whole time at the gym this evening. People would talk to me and it's like I had no idea what they were saying but somehow I responded. Does that make sense, reader? If not, I apologize. I'm just babbling.

I hope things are good with you, reader, because quite frankly, I miss talking to you. Or typing to you I suppose.

God Bless.
xo,
Kayla

Resolution

Hey reader.
New Years resolutions. I feel like everyone has the same ones every year.
Typical annoying examples are as followed:
"New Year, New Me!"
or the ever famous,
"My new years resolution is to lose weight and go to the gym. Yaaaaaaaaaa!"
I wish people would really look within themselves and figure out a resolution that could really change them or that actually impacted their lives. Change is scary but it is always a neccesity in this life we live. Things are always transforming. Regardless of how skinny you are or how perfect your "new you" is, there is always room for improvement. Every year, you should be able to reflect on your life and pinpoint something that you know you can change about yourself.
With all that said, my new year's resolution is to be a more positive person. Now, that sound pretty typical for resolutions, right? However, it's different for me. If you knew me well, or if you read most of my blogs, you would know that my attitude is never really the greatest. If you can't tell through my blogs, you will definitely notice if you ever get to know me on a personal level. I'm always really down on myself. Complaining about my weight, or how my hair looks, the way I wear my make-up, just everything about myself I can't stand.. or couldn't stand. But this year is different for me. This year, I have made it a goal to be more positive. Not only with just me but with others too. I need to give people a chance instead of just judging them without really knowing them. When someone really bugs me, I need to learn to not let it get to me because everybody is human and nobody is perfect. So far I have started my positivity with more positive thoughts when I get up in the morning. I look at myself and attempt to slowly disregard the negative comments that enter my head. I remind myself that God made me exactly the way that He intended. That's honestly my saving grace in not completely demolishing how I look. Another thing I'm doing is.. the fact that I'm very unhappy about my weight. I started working out at an actual gym in November. I'm still doing that and go every single day. (....in the summer time, I got enough workout in with surfing and boogie boarding.) So I know that the gym is pretty typical like I stated in the new years resolutions but I'm really committed to it. The next thing that I'm doing is having more patience. That controls my positive attitude, honestly. Without patience, I snap at people right away and don't give them a chance to explain their side nor do I ever really want to hear it. But now.. I'm taking my time. Hearing their side, as well as remembering that nobody is perfect and I mess up just like they do.
So far it's been pretty successful and I plan on continuing this marathon of positivity that has been ever present in my attitude lately. I like being positive.
I still battle with my depression, hard at times. But.. with the gym every day and my new and improved attitude, I noticed a change. Yeah, I still have to take Prozac but.. I see improvement and that's all I need. It can't happen overnight.
So, what's your new years resolution, reader? Did you make one? Leave me a comment because I'm really interested in what yours is. :)
Have a great Thursday night. It's almost the weekend!
God Bless.
xo, Kayla

New Year. Same Blog. :)

Happy 2013, reader! Doesn't that feel so futuristic?
I felt the need to blog today and update you. I'm still alive. :)
So the new semester started which means a new semester of college. This semester I'm taking a lot of advanced classes which is somewhat frightening and exciting all at the same time. Today, I walked into my Communications class and we had to find a partner and interview each other. You know.. like those awkward icebreakers that most people do to "make friends" and "get to know each other", yeah.. we had to do those. I never have really been a fan of them because I felt like I was already awkward enough as it was, and why would I want someone else that I met five seconds ago when I walked in the classroom to know me as an awkward human. Does that make sense? Maybe it doesn't. Another thing is anxiety. I don't really have a fear of public speaking. I mean.. I have sang in front of people all through elementary, middle and high school and I've completed speech and debate stuff, as well as oral interp and acting so I was never really a shy person; however, speaking in front of a class of strangers gives me the weirdest anxiety. I can't explain it. I guess.. the real reason is that I simply just don't enjoy talking about myself. I like hearing about other people and giving them advice or listening to their stories and when you're acting or singing, you're playing someone else. You know? It's not about you. It's about the song you're singing or the piece you're acting out. It's never like.. Hi, what's your name and tell me a fact that nobody knows about you.
Anyways, back to the story.
So I met this girl. Her name is Kimberly. She was from the same state as I was and now goes to the same university as I do. We talked and I told her facts about me such as: my favorite animal is a rhino, I enjoy eating a lot, cupcakes are my favorite food, when I was little, I wanted to be Pocohantus. Things like that. So then I interviewed her. I asked her what her name was and simple things.. but she just stopped me and told me something different. She said I didn't need to ask anymore questions and that she wanted to tell me herself. The first thing she said was.. "I battle with eating disorders."
I sat there. My heart sunk. I didn't know how I was supposed to react to a statement like that. I didn't say anything and she kept talking.
She said that she battles with eating disorders because she sees herself as ugly and has no confidence. She said that it all started when she started comparing herself to her sister in high school. She joined the dance team and began throwing up which led to her not even eating. She went from a size 3 to a 0 very quickly, she told me. I sat there just completely flabergasted. (...is that a word?) I let her finish and she said that she still struggles with it but she hopes that putting her trust in God and believing that He made her exactly the way that He wanted is what was going to help her get through it.
We then had to go around the room and tell the class what we learned about our partner. I had said some family fun facts that she had told me instead of saying a secret like that to the whole classroom.
Then, it got to this guy. He was in my class and he was about 40. Now, when you see a 40 year old in your college class, many people tend to judge. He was very too himself but something throughout the class drew me to him. I didn't know what it was so I just brushed the feeling aside.
Anyways, we began all going around the room. It got to him and I decided to pay close attention. He had said that his name was Mike. He was married and has three daughters and plans on achieving his bachelors in Criminal Justice. Then.. he said the story. His oldest daughter had gotten killed by her boyfriend and he wanted to become a victim's advocate to help families deal with the loss of a loved one and that  that was his striving goal to keep on pushing toward his bachelors. For his daughter.
My eyes literally started watering when he said all of that.
Class was over and I headed to my Philosophy class, which he is in also.
I don't know what it is but something draws me to him. It's weird. I mean.. yeah, he's like twice my age and has gone through a lot but I just get this good vibe from him.
I guess the point of this blog was just to tell you, and actually... probably tell myself and remind myself to not take people for granted. They can be gone in a second. I've experienced that first hand with Lyndsey and family members, just like I'm sure you have experienced some sort of loss.
Cherish the people you have, reader because you don't know when their last day is. Or even yours.
Thanks for reading.

God Bless.

xo, Kayla