New Character for You

Do you enjoy learning about new characters in a book...errr, I meant new characters in a movie? Who reads anymore? Wait.. You. You're reading my typed words. Jokes on you. Man, I really need to become a comedian. Forget college!
...Okay, that was a bit too much.
I promised a certain somebody that I would blog about them to you, reader.
So meet Sara. Aka, sparkly cupcake mouse.
She's a senior. Blonde hair. Green eyes. Enjoys walking. Loves animals. Shares a passion of cupcake loving with me. Oh and.. She's single ;)
Oh... this isn't EHarmony?
...Awkward..
So this is my best friend and let me just tell you, she is the greatest friend I could possibly ever have been blessed with. She gets me and I can vent to her about anything and she has the right words to say, even if they are a tad bit harsh at times, to any ocassion.
I try my best to show her how much I appriciate her every day and I'm sure I fall short numerous times such as this blog. I've been working on it for the past three days but I've been so utterly busy that it has yet to be published. I don't even know if I will accurately display all the lovely things about this girl in just this blog. I know for a fact that I'll forget something. It's hard to describe such an amazing person in simply just a blog.
I met her before I switched schools the middle of my junior year. It had all started over a message on Facebook discussing the love of lemonade. From then on, we had talked and exchanged numbers and then I had ended up attending her high school. We got close due to our adoration for choir.
I'm really awkward when I first meet someone and talk to them and I'm sure that was what was going through her mind.
She's a year younger than me so when my senior year took place, we became instantly close which sucked because I knew that I'd be graduating and in a sense, leaving her. That thought was literally on my mind since I started school back in August of that year until May of the following year.
I didn't converse with many at that high school, mainly because it was so small that everyone literally knew each other since about.. well, kindergarten and I was just some new kid. I was determined to not get close to anyone and I didn't thnk I would, regardless, because of how small the school was. Then Sara and I happened.
I wasn't good at making friends but with Sara, it just came so naturally. It was almost like we were meant to be best friends and to this day, I still believe that.
Graduating was one of the hardest things I had to do. Like I said.. Not because I "loved" my class sooooooo much but because I had that one friend. This one friend who understood me. Who accepted my awkwardness. Who enjoyed my company. Who was one of the most caring people I knew and who never put up with people's shit but was still kind throughout it all.
After I graduated, I moved. I moved 1,710 miles away. That had to be one of the hardest things I had to do. Leaving her was like ripping out a piece of my heart and getting it just completely stepped on and pouring salt on the cuts. To this day, I still get emotional. I remember, the first few weeks.. I cried myself to sleep. I hate admitting this but.. I still have my nights that I cry myself to sleep because of how much it hurts still.
To keep me sane, we text consistently. (I actually just got a text from her when I said that.) We FaceTime. Thank you Apple. And we also do this weird thing where we record videos of ourselves or of something throughout the day and send it to each other. Our friendship is something unique and lovely and I feel it is really hard to come by.
I don't know what I would do without her. She keeps me so structured and she is one of the most mature people I've ever met. You would think she was twenty something. Seriously.
The amount of things she's gotten me through in two years is something I'll never be able to truly thank her for. All I can do is hope that I can be as great of a friend as she is to me.
She told me not to make this blog long and I'm trying my best but words can't even describe how grateful I am for her.
She has so much going for her. College is right around the corner for this girl and I know her future is going to be as bright as her smile.
One thing I love about our friendship is that we sing all the time, especially when we are together. In fact we even made a youtube video of us singing "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. It's kind of our song. Not in the romantic way, reader but because when the chorus switches it says:
"God knows I'm tough enough. We've got a lot to learn. And God knows we're worth it."
It is just a key phrase that sticks with us. I don't know.
I love this girl like a pig loves not being bacon. Like I said, I don't know what I would do without her. She gives me a sense of normality and sanity that no friend has ever given me before. She's the greatest best friend I could ever ask for and I hope you all liked learning about her too.
By the way, you can follow her or I on twitter and instagram if you'd like :) it would make her day and mine too.
My Twitter: @thatkaylaaagirl
My Instagram: @thatkaylaaaagirl
Sara's Twitter: @sarajomeyer
Sara's Instagram: @bambino2013

God Bless.
xo,
Kayla

Distortion

I don't know how to sum up how I feel right now, reader. It's one of those days where I could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Maybe it's because it's October. October is one of the greatest months, along with the worst. It's the last full month I spent with Lyndsey before her death. Halloween was the last official day I had ever spent time with her, so you can probably imagine I never have really celebrated it fully since her passing.
My depression has really been taking a toll on me lately. I haven't told anyone because.. well, I don't open up to people. I keep it to myself. I've been so angry lately that Lyndsey is not alive. I have dreams of her and it hurts to wake up and know that it's not reality. Sometimes I feel like I'm just drowning in my emotions. Reality just hurts sometimes and I don't understand why I feel the way I do at times. Trying to decode my own emotions is difficult for me and I don't know if what I said just made any sense( it probably didn't) but just roll with it.
Life is so fragile but that could be taken in both a positive and negative light. It's positive because life is so short that you need to make the most out of it and enjoy what you have; however, on the other hand, life is also fragile because of the cruelty of others in our society that it can quite literally break a person completely down. It's not really optimistic versus pessimistic viewpoints, it's simply a deeper look into the word "fragile".
I've been thinking about my existence lately. The purpose for myself. I can't find one. I get lost trying to understand why I'm still on this earth after suicide attempts. What's so important that I have to be here? So many questions pace through my mind but there's no answer. You just have to suck up your pain and keep on moving. After the rain, there's sunshine but sometimes it's just hard to imagine light through darkness. When I get in these modes, it's like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain it without making myself vulnerable to you, reader.
I was told once by a counselor that the best way to ease your anxiety and depression is through exercise. She used to tell me that pain is weakness leaving one's body. Granted, working out does improve how I feel health wise but mentally.. I still am the same. It doesn't reprogram my brain and suddenly change how I think just by running on a treadmill or lifting some weights.
Maybe.. Maybe my thinking is just.. completely distorted..
God Bless.
xo, Kayla

Surprise For You

Reader, I have something new for you. It'll have to be in sections because I have yet to complete this task I'm about to expose you too. I've been writing lately. Obviously not on my blog. (I apologize. Don't hate me.)
Anyways, I've been doing this task where I try and get into my mind through you, reader. I know, I know. It sounds strange.. Maybe even insane a little. Or a lot. But it's something that is really intriguing me lately. It's interesting feeling like a reader to my own work. Does that make sense? Anyways, here's the beginning of it. Give me feedback and I'll continue to add more and more to it. It would be very appreciated, young grasshopper :) -----I've yet to understand why I adore saying that. Enjoy. I'll have more in store for you if you give me comments. Good or bad. :) You've stuck by my side for a while now, reader and I appreciate it so very much.
God Bless.
xo, Kayla

Here you go: 

If you really knew me, what would you even know? Would you know all those dirty secrets that every person is “supposed” to have? Would you know the ins and outs of my soul? Truth is, reader, even if you “really” knew me, you wouldn't know a thing about me. And that, right there, is a fact.

                You can never fully understand a person’s motives, choices or reasoning behind anything that runs through their minds. You want to know why? Because us humans, we can all be honest, but certain ones that roam the worldly earth we live, can’t stand to show the real us. The real me is a disgrace to myself which is why, you, reader, will never truly know me.

                Now that doesn't mean you can’t know facts about me. That is far from what I’m referring to and I’m not saying I’m not an honest person because let me just tell you something. I am not a liar and I am very honest. My emotions are just difficult for some to decode including myself at times. Maybe this worldly concept I’m trying to discuss with you doesn't affect the population of humanity as a whole. Maybe it’s just me and what goes on in my brain because to be quite honest, I don’t know what races through your mind and now you will get a glimpse into what flows through mine.

                So what are you looking for to start this journey you are about to experience? To capture a reader’s attention, I was always taught three ways as I ventured through schooling. I could engage you in a shocking statistic but none come to mind. A heart-warming story is a great way to break the ice but I don’t feel like thinking into my past. There’s always an interesting fact but let’s face it, what’s so interesting about me? Exactly.

                Expressing emotions is a hard thing for me to do, reader, and you will discover that the more you read. I do hope to one day learn your name if someone ever does read this because quite frankly I can just tell that by the time I’m done writing this that I will get exceptionally tired of referring to you as “reader”.

                Iris by The Goo Goo Dolls, ever heard it? There’s a verse in it that says:

“And I don’t want the world to see me. Cause I don’t think that they’d understand. When everything’s meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am.”

                Rereading that and analyzing that verse, I ponder. Do people really want to show their real selves or has the brainwashing society we subsist in informed us that our true self is no longer socially acceptable? It easy to argue either side but I think that one side will automatically stand out in your mind first versus the opposing part. Maybe I am wrong. That’s not a difficult task for me to accept, reader. However, I will let you analyze the question and decipher for yourself what the true answer is. Or maybe, just maybe, there will never truly be an answer. Chew on that.

                I’m sure I’ve yet to capture your attention, nonetheless if I have somehow managed to get you hooked, I’m certain you have most likely been confused a time or two. Am I at least right on that one?

                How do you feel about questions, reader? I suppose that was a ridiculous question itself to ask you, simply because my physical appearance does not remain in your presence.  Moving on. Maybe a more effortless way would be to ask you questions that I dwell on, but answer them myself. Or at least do my best to.  Sound good? Since I’m not a patient person, I will elucidate for you with a swift yes reply. Being a young adult, we are faced with many questions, quite frankly, for me at least, it feels like I’m faced with them constantly. There’s the question we don’t know the answer to, questions we knew the answer to years ago, questions that are simply just stupid and questions we could live our whole life without knowing the answer to.  But then, there are the questions. The questions we get catechized with that unmistakably gnaw away at our mind.

                For example, a family friend of mine asked me once “What is time?” and I honestly sat there attempting to seep into the depths of my intellectual knowledge to scrutinize what “time” actually was. There are certain questions that will never have a direct, straightforward answer.  Maybe that’s a superior article though because if we knew the answers to everything, there would be nothing left to discover.

Writing is an addiction, an obsession. They both go hand-in-hand. Inanimate objects tend to not be viewed as capable of having a relationship; however, the companionship I acquire from simply writing proves the statement above to be false. The reason why words on paper or on a screen are such a habit to me is due to the fact that I feel it’s the one true thing I can use to express myself. Writing gives me a sense of freedom like someone tied down by chains and being let go tends to feel. With a pencil and paper or a computer and Microsoft Word, I can create masterpieces. I’m not one that speaks my mind vocally. To write is an amazing talent. Thoughts coarse through your mind constantly, right? Those thoughts can be transformed into a piece of information that you can analyze in your mind, which can ultimately be written down or typed. It’s truly a magnificent process if you think about it. Without your own thoughts, writing could not exist and all you would hold would be memories stored in the back of your brain and I without writing would be a difficult task for me to even really comprehend.