Distortion

I don't know how to sum up how I feel right now, reader. It's one of those days where I could be in a room full of people and still feel alone. Maybe it's because it's October. October is one of the greatest months, along with the worst. It's the last full month I spent with Lyndsey before her death. Halloween was the last official day I had ever spent time with her, so you can probably imagine I never have really celebrated it fully since her passing.
My depression has really been taking a toll on me lately. I haven't told anyone because.. well, I don't open up to people. I keep it to myself. I've been so angry lately that Lyndsey is not alive. I have dreams of her and it hurts to wake up and know that it's not reality. Sometimes I feel like I'm just drowning in my emotions. Reality just hurts sometimes and I don't understand why I feel the way I do at times. Trying to decode my own emotions is difficult for me and I don't know if what I said just made any sense( it probably didn't) but just roll with it.
Life is so fragile but that could be taken in both a positive and negative light. It's positive because life is so short that you need to make the most out of it and enjoy what you have; however, on the other hand, life is also fragile because of the cruelty of others in our society that it can quite literally break a person completely down. It's not really optimistic versus pessimistic viewpoints, it's simply a deeper look into the word "fragile".
I've been thinking about my existence lately. The purpose for myself. I can't find one. I get lost trying to understand why I'm still on this earth after suicide attempts. What's so important that I have to be here? So many questions pace through my mind but there's no answer. You just have to suck up your pain and keep on moving. After the rain, there's sunshine but sometimes it's just hard to imagine light through darkness. When I get in these modes, it's like tunnel vision. I don't know how to explain it without making myself vulnerable to you, reader.
I was told once by a counselor that the best way to ease your anxiety and depression is through exercise. She used to tell me that pain is weakness leaving one's body. Granted, working out does improve how I feel health wise but mentally.. I still am the same. It doesn't reprogram my brain and suddenly change how I think just by running on a treadmill or lifting some weights.
Maybe.. Maybe my thinking is just.. completely distorted..
God Bless.
xo, Kayla